 image credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062  image credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2692 | Every parent wants to see their child succeed. Parents do not want their children to make mistakes. They want to guide their children and help them to avoid pitfalls. However, there is a fine line between guidance and control, help and smothering. Once a child has passed puberty, they are highly mentally and physically capable. Tests that measure the adultness of individuals show that most teens are just as knowledgeable and capable regarding adult matters such as finances and healthcare as the average adult. Additionally, after puberty, the natural drive of an individual is to be productive and independent. Although many parents would say that "being a child is great and we should let kids be kids as long as possible," that argument is simply unreasonable. By treating teens as children, adults are de-legitimizing them and failing to provide for their most basic needs. The same drive in teens is what guides adults, and is why teens are so resistant to being controlled or micro-managed, so sensitive to being treated with disrespect or condescension. Teens are adults, so they hate being treated like irresponsible children just as adults do. Think about the way you feel going through security at the airport, being treated with suspicion and condescension, handled like a child when you are a capable human being who has done nothing to seem suspect. This feeling is present in most of your teen's interactions with adults. This negative type of interaction creates not only a gap between teens and adults, but a vicious circle: - adult sees teen as child, treats them accordingly - teen, frustrated by this treatment, acts out - adult sees this as confirmation of their stereotypical view of teens as being correct, and tightens the reins further - leads to worse behavior It's time to break the cycle. It's time to GROW. |
Tips for Parents
- Don't label or make assumptions. No matter what society or fellow parents tell you, remember that every teenager is unique. Don't assume that just because your child has reached their teens, they will begin to behave in the manner that is projected in media. Do not label them as a "kid."
- Focus on competency and potential. Remember, teens are highly competent. They are at the peak of their mental and physical capacities and are absolutely full of potential. Recognize your teenager's strengths and don't blame their failures or weaknesses on hormones or their age. Just like adults, teens have flaws. Don't use "hormones" or "just a kid" as an excuse for mistakes - teens should be responsible for their mistakes. In the same way, do not write off your teen's thoughts, feelings, or opinions as those of a "kid."
- Treat your teen like an adult. Expect your teen to act like a responsible adult and treat them accordingly. Do not talk down to them or treat them like a child. Talk to them as you would another adult and listen to them as you would another adult. The more you do this, the more they will begin to act like an adult, because they will enjoy the feeling of authority and maturity that this treatment gives them. The more that a teen is treated like an adult, the better they will be at acting like one. They will gain the ability to communicate with adults and act appropriately in adult situations.
- Don't infantilize. Do not infantilize your teen by treating them like a child. Resist the urge to restrict them in ways that are meaningless, and give them the opportunity to act responsibly. Talk to them about what their punishment should be if they fail to act responsibly. Communicate to them the importance of doing certain things, rather than just telling them to do things because you said so.
- Give opportunities for responsibility. Taking on responsibility is one of the most important parts of maturing. Give your teen every opportunity to be responsible. Let them open a bank account, get a job, take care of a pet, do community service, and anything else that requires them to be mature and responsible. This is excellent training for when they are on their own without your guidance.
- Get your teen around adults. Spend time with your teenager and put them in as many situations as possible in which they will be socializing with adults. Set up an internship, get them to volunteer, or help them get a job. This will give them what so many teens who are trapped in the world of their peers that has been created for them struggle with: the ability to effectively communicate and socialize with adults.
- Be supportive. Support your teen's efforts to be independent, such as dating, work, and creative projects. Encourage them to analyze their decisions and challenge their minds.
- Communicate. Be sure to communicate openly and respectfully with your teen so that you can be more in tune with how they are thinking and feeling. Treating them like a child will create a barrier of indignation and disrespect between you. Open, honest, effective communication is extremely important.
Remember: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Treating your teen in a way which promotes adult behavior and responsibility will keep them from becoming angry, defiant, secretive, and depressed. It will allow you to be in tune to what's going on with them and give you a way to help them and to help them help themselves.
